Prestonia Health Authority

Because someone has to document the cybernetic implants.

Mental Patient Advocate Republic — Health Wing

Public health for the post‑human, with bedside manner for the barely‑human.

The Prestonia Health Authority (PHA) registers implants, audits warranty cards for wetware, and ensures every citizen—augmented, dented, or temporarily ethereal—gets dignified, evidence‑ish care. We don’t judge your firmware. We just make sure it gets regular updates and informed consent.

Motto: “First, do no harm. Second, document everything.”

What We Do

National Registry of Cybernetic Implants

From cochlear symphoniums to municipal‑grade elbow servos, we catalogue devices, version numbers, and rumored side quests. Opt‑in anonymized data powers public safety alerts and surprisingly tasteful charts.

Neural Warranty & Recall Office

We coordinate with manufacturers, hackerspaces, and that one guy named Vex. If your implant hums in D‑sharp or starts offering stock tips, report it—we’ll evaluate for defect, feature, or prophecy.

Post‑Op PsyOps (POP)

Integrated mental health follow‑ups after any augmentation. Therapy that speaks both DSM‑5 and firmware release notes. Snacks provided; side‑eye complimentary.

Data Hygiene Clinic

We sweep your personal telemetry for leaky permissions, descope creepy apps, and issue a Clean Brain Certificate suitable for framing or courtroom spectacle.

Patient Rights, Upgrades, & Responsibilities

Rights

  • To receive care without stigma, sarcasm, or pop‑up ads in your visual cortex.
  • To access your records in human, machine, and grandmother‑readable formats.
  • To consent granularly: hardware, software, firmware, wetware, and vibes.

Responsibilities

  • Report malfunctions, prophetic dreams, and unusual Bluetooth pairings.
  • Update firmware only from trusted sources (not your cousin’s mixtape site).
  • Be kind to reception. They control the printer gods.

How It Works

  1. Register your augment(s) with make, model, serial, and any special quirks (e.g., allergic to magnets, loves ska).
  2. Schedule a baseline scan and a short psychometrics screen. We respect attention spans—bring fidget objects, not swords.
  3. Receive your PHA Card with QR code, emergency notes, and warranty status.
  4. Maintain annual check‑ins or whenever the voices start speaking legalese.

Emergency Protocols

If an implant misbehaves—sparks, philosophical monologues, or sudden subscription fees—call the 24/7 PHA Hotline: 1776‑PHA‑HELP. We coordinate with the Preston Security Agency (no strings attached) for safe shutdowns and post‑incident snacks.

Research & Notices

Open Studies

  • Long‑term outcomes of poetic firmware in mood regulation.
  • EMF exposure from extremely charismatic pigeons.
  • Interventions for compulsive Terms‑of‑Service acceptance.

Public Notices

  • Recall: NeuroLeaf v2.1—unexpected Gregorian chant at 3 a.m.
  • Advisory: Avoid third‑party charging cables labeled “spicy.”
  • PSA: If your smart‑tooth asks to be called “manager,” book an appointment.

FAQ

Do I need papers for non‑electronic enhancements?

Yes. Tattoos, scars, and new perspectives all count as body‑level updates. If it changes your story, we’ll help you tell it safely.

Will PHA track me?

Nope. We track devices, not people. If we wanted to track you, we’d at least send a holiday card.