Ministry of Existential Reform
Where therapy meets theology and conspiracy law.
We treat spiritual whiplash and cognitive plot-twists with dignified paperwork and good chairs.
The Ministry of Existential Reform (MER) provides clinical counseling, ritual arbitration, and legally‑admissible closure for citizens tangled in beliefs—religious, scientific, or suspiciously YouTube‑based. We draw from Governmentology research, evidence‑ish therapy, and Prestonian common sense: if a story owns you, we help you renegotiate the lease.
What We Do
Existential Clinics
Walk‑in care for crisis-of-meaning, apocalypse fatigue, and “am I the simulation?” loops. Modalities include narrative CBT, myth‑repair, and guided de‑doomscrolling.
Theology Desk
Interfaith chaplaincy for believers, skeptics, and people who call the universe “the vibes.” Weddings, de‑baptisms, reconciliation with your former self—all valid.
Conspiracy Law
Non‑adversarial mediation between you and your favorite grand narrative. We separate questions worth asking from hobbies that ate your life, then draft terms of peace.
Programs (Indexed to Governmentology)
LANTERN for Souls
A gentle redirection protocol for people spiraling into outrage or despair. Invisible nudges toward purpose, community, and sleep. Built with cognitive safety in mind.
Old Spice, But Make It Ethical
When a belief threatens your job/family/sanity, our “containment bubble” filters communications until you regain footing—transparent, reversible, and consent‑based.
NeuroGrid Literacy
Community classes that unpack RF lore, surveillance mythology, and real‑world privacy practices. Physics where possible, poetry where necessary.
Human‑Cyborg Relations
Mediation for couples where one partner is mostly firmware. Etiquette, consent templates, and co‑habitation charters for mixed biological/silicon households.
Rites, Forms, & Remedies
Certificate of De‑Dooming
Document certifying that you are no longer emotionally domiciled in the apocalypse. Includes breathing exercises and a coupon for snacks.
Statement of Coherent Doubt
Legal‑ish affidavit allowing you to pause belief without losing face. Good for holidays, group chats, and fragile family systems.
Amnesty for Past Posts
Restorative‑justice process for things you said online at 3 a.m. Draft an apology, make a donation, reclaim your future self.
How It Works
- Intake — Tell us the story that’s running you. We listen without flinching.
- Map — Identify the loops: prophecy doom, persecution math, YouTube monastery.
- Re‑author — Build a kinder plot: therapy plan, community anchor, and screen hygiene.
- Stabilize — Follow‑ups with MER counselors, chaplains, and conspiracy paralegals.
Ethics & Safeguards
- Consent‑First: All interventions are opt‑in, reversible, and documented.
- Privacy: We track patterns, not people. Your soul has no case number.
- Pluralism: Belief diversity is a feature. We protect it while defusing harm.
- Transparency: Every nudge has a human owner and a paper trail.
Library & Sources
Governmentology
Speculative governance, weird‑but‑useful theory, and policy prototypes that inspired MER.
Citizens for Mental Health Reform
Real‑world policy work on tech access, visitation, and dignity in care. We borrow their courage (and their PDFs).